People, pilsner and a mammoth plasma screen TV . . . That’s all you need for a Super Bowl Party.
At least, it’s enough for purists like me.
But sadly, the last football game of the year seems to get taken over by the hype, the hangers-on, and the football hacks. You know, the same people who think a fleaflicker is a brand of pet deodorant.
Most of my Super Bowl memories are a little fuzzy, since I usually spend the three hours drinking heavily, trying to erase the pain of my team (the Oakland Raiders) not being in the Big Game, again. Or, if they did make it, drinking heavily to erase the pain of them being dismantled by a coach that looks like a demonic children’s doll.
But I digress . . .
While I was part of the group sloppily singing fight songs in the corner, here’s 10 other personalities you might find at any given Super Bowl party.
1. The person who asks “why do you get seven points for a touchdown and three for a kick?”
First of all, Mr. Football Guru, it’s six points for a touchdown, and they get another point for kicking the little oblong thing through the sticks afterwards. As for the disparity between scoring plays, well, that’s just to confuse YOU.
2. The “Real” Mr. Football Guru. “Well, the Steelers are first and 10 from their five, and they always like to run their double-reverse, half-back option in these situations.”
Hold up there, Mr. Madden. Can we leave the predictions to those people who don’t base their predictions on a video game?
3. The Iron Chef. “Try my chili. TRY it. It’s great. C’mon, try it. Eat it. . . . it’s good.”
The guy, or girl, who annoyingly insists on everyone trying their contribution to the party. I have to say, tasting a meat product that tastes like sawdust is something everyone should do once.
4. The grouchy oldtimer who always compares today’s teams to the past.
The Daily Courier’s own Doyle Potenteau would be a prime example. He’s always complaining how the ’85 Bears or ’42 Rams would have killed these marshmallow pussies of the current NFL. He usually starts sentences with the words “These punks . . . “
5. The jersey guy.
The dude who shows up in the one football jersey he owns, usually from a team that hasn’t made the Super Bowl. I’ve been this guy on more than one occasion.
6. Old Yeller. Usually someone who has made a bet on the game, and works himself into such a frenzy yelling at the TV that he makes everyone else in the room uncomfortable.
He needs to be shot. I’ve been this guy on more than one occasion.
7. Al Bundy Reincarnated.
Anytime someone scores, he reminds everyone how he scored five touchdowns in one game back in high school. He doesn’t mention that it was a co-ed flag football league.
8. The Future Al Bundy
Usually someone’s kid. Usually, someone’s slightly overweight kid, because football is the one sport where a fat, out of shape tub of goo can become a millionaire athlete. But it rarely happens, and they usually end up reminiscing about their days playing midget football.
9. Beer Bong Dudes.
There’s always a trio of guys playing drinking games, taking shots whenever the announcer says things like “first down,” or “incomplete pass.” They’re usually passed out by the second quarter and don’t bother people much after
that.
10. The Real Footballer.
Can be British, Scottish, German, Welsh or Brazillian. Basically, from anywhere outside North America. And they always remind us, in whatever funny accent they speak in, that “American” football is only the second-most popular football in the world.
That may be true, but right now, it’s the most popular football in the room. So pipe down unless you want a bowl of sawdust dumped down your shirt.
And with that, enjoy the game.
