Thursday, January 26, 2006

Miceail's Secret

By now, I'm sure, you've all been introduced to my dookie . . . errr, Dukie-loving friend, Miceail.
He's, well, a special guy.
Not special like me, but special in a "rode-the-short-bus-to-school kind of way." But we all still love him. He's a kick to have around during parties and stuff, cause he's one of those guys who will do stupid ish, like trying to balance drinks on his head or eating stuff from out of the garbage.
And playing pool against him is a sure-fire way to make money if you need to make rent.
But my dookie . . . errr, Dukie-loving friend has a terrible secret. He recently revealed that he's been having the same dream, over and over lately. You can see the photo-representation of it by clicking here ... I've added shorts just to be tasteful, because the good LAWD knows we don't want to see Lil' Red swinging in the breeze ... And note the hand placement - reminiscent of a dance with Kandi ... He says he wakes up yelling "HOLY THORBURN HOTMOUTH", whatever that means.

Soon to come: the saga of how "The Hammer" really got his name...

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

This One's for Miceail... Pt. III

Oh yes, it's true, it's true.. Miceail's beloved Doookies have been dropped out of top spot in the NCAA AP poll, and now must settle for No. 2... And in the true spirit of sportsmanship between friends, I had to post this picture...



And on to football...
While I have no allegiances for the upcoming Super Bowl, THIS might just have swayed me to root for the Seahawks. I mean, that's just creepy... especially when it speaks... But note the red hair and rosy cheeks.. it looks like Miceail and Trevor's love child... (and JJ shudders)

Sunday, January 22, 2006

January 23: The Most Depressing Day of the Year

It's official: Today is the most depressing day of 2006, and it has nothing to do with the election. (I'm voting Green, by the way).
Clifford Arnall, a psychology professor at Cardiff University in Wales came out with a mathematical formula that determined Jan. 24 to be the most depressing day of 2005. This year, he's saying it's Jan. 23.
The formula includes such factors as the weather, debt, the time since Christmas, the period since failing to stick to a New Year's resolution, and low motivational levels. John Service, executive director of the Canadian Psychological Association, said January and February are generally regarded as the months of the blahs.
"There's less sunshine and we know that sunshine affects mood. We're in the post-Christmas letdown period and often people are tired and/or financially strained," he said. "The weather itself, being winter, reduces the amount of interpersonal interaction . . . We know that people are more sedentary."
It's true, too. I'm feeling about as plucky as a KFC chicken, and have yet to shed all those pounds I accumulated over the holidays. And then there was my Saturday night at work, which is still pretty surreal.
I usually sit at a desk with my back to a window that shows the Royal Canadian Legion across the way. Saturday night, there was a stabbing - Yes, A STABBING - at the Legion. Who would have figured those aged veterans were so violent?
Must have been one hell of a bridge game. Anyways, we're listening to the police radio chatter on the scanner while, less than 20 feet away, there are hordes of cops and ambulances whipping up and down the alley, K-9 dogs barking up a storm.
So the dude wasn't seriously hurt, and they still haven't caught the guy who decided to have his Vietnam flashback. I hear those Rascal scooters can move pretty fast... Here's a pic from the crime scene, taken by our very own Gary "Hoss" Nylander, on Saturday. Kind of boring, no blood, no guts. That's probably why it didn't make the front page. Because, as they say in our biz, if it bleeds, it leads.



And, if you need a little cheering up today, you can always read THIS It appears that fans of the Shrewsbury football (re: soccer) team have kidnapped the unofficial mascot of the Carlisle United team: an inflatable sheep, affectionately named Myfanwy.
The blowup farm animal was taken away from visiting Carlisle fans by a steward during a recent game, but not content to just hold Myfanwy for ransom, the Shrewsbury fans put her on sale on eBay — along with a lengthy list of demands for her release.
Some are pretty minor (Carlisle needs to post information about weather conditions so traveling fans don't drive three hours to a game that was already cancelled) but one stuck out to us when we read the auction: Brian Wake (who scored three goals against Shrewsbury in a recent game) is to be neutered immediately to prevent further generations of footballer heaping woe on Shrewsbury Town football Club.
To prove that they did, in fact, have possession of Myfanwy, the kidnappers also posted pictures of the sheep/mascot in front of several famous landmarks, including the Eiffel Tower.
That's why I love soccer.

And I'm out like Paul Martin.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto

It's snowing outside, which should make me feel like dancing, but my knee is still F**KED from my little snowboarding crash last week, so no trip to Big White to surf the pow for me...
Instead, I'm inside, plugging away at my little publishing project (those of you who know, know. Those of you who don't, soon will...), and making some decent progress — despite my internet procrastinations.
I found this VIDEO of this kid (not the first two, the third, nerdy-looking guy) who reminds me of that scene out of Napoleon Dynamite. No one knows what to expect at first, and then — BOOYAH — he breaks it down. Not quite crumpin', but damn - kid got some skills. He's even better than CHRISTOPHER WALKEN, though he still holds the title of my favourite actor...

and while I'm at it...

THIS is the funniest thing to come out of Saturday Night Live in years. Watch it... You'll dig it .... "I said the Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia..."

Damn... I want some cupcakes now...

Saturday, January 14, 2006

This one's for Miceail... Pt. II



He looks sad, doesn't he? Downtrodden. Depressed. Some would even say, near-suicidal. He should, after the performance he put in tonight.

I've had to endure the bandwagon Brady lovers for years - ever since that fateful 2001 AFC championship game. But not anymore... it's my time, byatches.

THE CHAMPS ARE HERE! THE CHAMPS ARE HERE! THE CHAMPS ARE HERE! THE CHAMPS ARE HERE!

And while those champs may not be the World's Greatest team (we know who that is), it doesn't matter. Brady and his boys are dunzo.


(btw: Congrats to my boy Rouge, whose team won his league championship semifinal tonight...)

Friday, January 13, 2006

Yes, I am famous

They've even written stories about my other, top-secret and hidden, life. You can read about it HERE. Dolomite, baby!

This one's for Miceail



Words? Not necessary. The picture says it all...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

pets

First, there was Sam, the World's Ugliest Dog...


Then, there was this:



CY, THE CYCLOPS KITTY

PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) - A photo of a one-eyed kitten named Cy drew more than a little skepticism when it turned up on various websites but medical authorities have a name for the bizarre condition.
Holoprosencephaly causes facial deformities, said the U.S. National Institute for Neurological Disorders and Stroke, part of the National Institutes of Health.
In the worst cases, a single eye is located where the nose should be, the institute' website said. Traci Allen said the kitten she named Cy, short for Cyclops, was born the night of Dec. 28 with the single eye and no nose.
"You expect don't to see something like that," the 35-year-old Allen said by telephone from her home in Redmond in central Oregon.
Allen said she stayed up all night with the deformed kitten on her recliner, feeding Cy a liquid formula through a syringe. She said she cared for the kitten the next day as well, until it died that evening.
Allen had taken digital pictures she provided to The Associated Press. Some bloggers have questioned the authenticity of the photo distributed Jan. 6. AP regional photo editor Tom Stathis said he took extensive steps to confirm the one-eyed cat was not a hoax.
Stathis had Allen ship him the memory card that was in her camera. On the card were a number of pictures - including holiday snapshots and four pictures of a one-eyed kitten. The kitten pictures showed the animal from different perspectives. Fabricating those images in sequence and in the camera's original picture format, from the varying perspectives, would have been virtually impossible, Stathis said.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Story of the day...

Just had to post this... Can you say "karma?"

TRAPPED MOUSE GETS REVENGE ON HOME OWNER

FORT SUMNER, N.M. (AP) — A mouse got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man’s house and set it on fire.
Luciano Mares, 81, of Fort Sumner said he caught the mouse inside his house and wanted to get rid of it.
“I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire, and the mouse was on fire and ran back at the house,” Mares said from a motel room Saturday.
Village Fire Chief Juan Chavez said the burning mouse ran to just beneath a window, and the flames spread up from there and throughout the house.
No was hurt inside, but the home and everything in it was destroyed.
Unseasonably dry and windy conditions have charred more than 21,000 hectares and destroyed 10 homes in southeastern New Mexico in recent weeks.
“I’ve seen numerous house fires,” village Fire Department Capt. Jim Lyssy said, “but nothing as unique as this one.”

Saturday, January 07, 2006

J.J.'s Christmas Holidays (The Crib Notes Version)



Dangerous duo
Originally uploaded by smoove_J.



Dec. 24
And so it began... .
I rolled out of bed at the ungodly hour of 7 a.m., got dressed and packed all my ish into the car. The last time I saw that hour I was actually still drunk, and, ironically, it felt the same this day, even though I was stone cold sober. I got to work on getting up earlier.
Anyways, I was in such a rush, I left both my jackets and a pair of dress shoes I needed sitting beside the door. I remembered just as I was beginning the trek up the Connector. Good timing...

Picked up my sis in White Rock, managed to avoid having to decorate the Xmas tree (always a source of holiday stress in our family), hit the ferries for Victoria.

My moms picked us up, and a quick shower and change of shirt later, we were on our way to Christmas Eve dinner at the BENGAL LOUNGE in the Empress Hotel.
Never had butter chicken for holiday dinner before, but it was daaaaamned good. I felt quite colonial in the leather-rich lounge, complete with snobby waiters.

Went back to my mom's house afterwards, and exchanged some presents. I gave my uncle Chaz a book called "A Million Little Pieces", about a drug addict's road to recovery. I think he might have been a little offended, since he had his own demons he battled in his life, but once he reads it, I'm sure he'll see I wasn't being smart. For once.

Christmas Day, Dec. 25

Hit the ferry back to the mainland, leaving my moms, sis, and my uncle behind. Showed up at my dad's around 2 p.m. and promptly fell asleep.
Woke up, opened some presents, and got my FAVOURITE present. If you can believe it, they looked worse than those. Mine looked like denim booty shorts, and had a big banana stuck in the pocket. Nice. Real nice.

Anyways, I got stuffed on Xmas turkey, watched Star Wars: The Phantom Menace with my dad, a little bit of The Iron Chef, then went to sleep.

Dec. 26.
Stayed away from boxing day sales, hung out with dad and mary. Stuffed myself on Xmas turkey Part II, fell asleep after watching the Iron Chef.

Dec. 27
Went to visit Betty, who is like my adopted grandma. Her husband, Harry, passed away earlier this year, and since then, her two daughters - Joy and Gaye - alternate five-week visits with her, to make sure she's not alone. They both drive up from down in California and New Mexico with their husbands. I hope I'm that unselfish when I put my parents in a home. Err, ahhh, I mean, when my parents are that old. (Don't worry pops... lol)

Gaye, me, betty
Originally uploaded by smoove_J.


Dec. 28
Hopped the ferry BACK to Victoria to hang out with my sis. Her friend Claudia arrived from L.A., and we all hung out. Had dinner at my moms, just chilled out. Anya and Claudia went to a movie, I went and saw my boy, "Jumbo" and his wife, Annie, and their two kids. I got the Imani, who's 5, a Brats doll, complete with a music CD - which will be played over and over and over and over and .... You get the picture. I got Max, 2, this little Fisher-Price martial arts set, including noise-making numchucks and a throwing star.
I thought I was being all clever by playing the Devils Advocate and getting these annoying noise-making presents. But it backfired, as I spent the next hour being beat on my foam numchucks and a plush lightsaber (also noise-making) that I got for Jeremy. I still have bruises....

Dec. 29
Went out to breakfast at my favourite restaurant in the world,"John's Place", where we saw my man Rodney. He and a bunch of other staff have been there since almost the beginning, and it's hard to believe that its going on 17 years that I've been going there. Wow.
Anyways, I did some boxing day shopping with Claudia while Anya took care of some biz. Got my sis a shirt that said "Sarcasm is one of the services I provide." I think she liked it. I couldn't tell, though. She's too damned sarcastic... lol
Went out to dinner at "Pagliacci's", aka my second favourite restaurant in the world, with my sis and Claudia. We got deep. Philosophical. And it had nothing to do with the alcohol we were drinking...
Met up with Lori, my sister's longtime friend, and her friend, Craig, afterwards. We chilled at his townhouse on Dallas road - he showed me pics of him running with the bulls in Pamplona (me new goal in life) on a computer that looked like something out of the movie Operation: Swordfish... It was tight.
Done drinking there, we hit the Boom Boom room, aka Club Med, the club my sis used to run game at back in the day. Or, at least she said she did. Danced, acted a fool, and left.

Went to this ghetto club that used to be called Merlin's, the first club I ever went to in my life. (I was 15, and used the ID of Lori's ex-husband, which identified my as a 28-year-old U.S. Marine... I guess black people all do look alike.)
Drank more, saw a boobie contest... had to drink a whole LOT more after that, then bounced for some post-bar pizza.

Cabbed it home, with my sis accusing the driver of trying to cheat us (We're not tourists, you know, Ahmed. Take the short way.")

Passed out. Woke up the next day when my mom's dog, Raven, French-kissed me. Yeeech.

Dec. 30
Took the ferry back to Vancouver (I was on a first-name basis with the employees by now) while my sis, Claudia and mom flew harbor to harbor. Pulled into White Rock a half-hour late for lunch, where we were meeting my aunt devra, uncle ian, cousin Elise and her daughter Genevieve. Had a good lunch, got some pornographic playing cards from my aunt and uncle for Chanukah, then went back to my dad's house for a short visit.
Then I packed up my ish again, and headed to the airport to pick up Christa, aka "The Girl." Checked in at the Sandman, left our stuff in our closet-sized room, and went downtown for dinner at the Tropica asian restaurant on Robson.
It was my girlfriend's first exposure to my family. It was more like tossing her to the wolves... my family has a very, ummm, let's say "boisterous" personality, especially when a bunch of us get together. But dinner went fine, and everyone had a good time. I played high-roller by picking up the check, which I breathed a sigh of relief afterwards, seeing as it was under $200 for 11 people. I think my mom thought I was trying to show off for my girl, but I was just in a spending mood. Boxing week will do that to ya.


That night, me and The Girl hit up "Club 686", where my boy "Dounia" was promoting his club night. The music was off the hizzle, and we ran into the Lenahan brothers, Colin and Adrian. Good times, good times.

Dec. 31


Me n the girl at Glowbal
Originally uploaded by smoove_J.



Did some boxing day shopping, spent too much money, then got ready for the evening...

Went to dinner at "Glowbal"in Yaletown. This place was off the HOOK. It's now my third-favourite restaurant in the world... Very cool. Great food. Really expensive. My suga mommy bought dinner... thanks Christa!



My favourite line of the holidays came as we left the restaurant for Dounia’s comedy showÂ… Suhail tells the cabbie “If you meet us here at 11:30, I’ll make it worth your while. Err, uhhh, (blushing), I mean, ummm, monetarily. You know…” Ahh, it was classic.

Me n Suhail
Originally uploaded by smoove_J.


So we hit up Deebo’s show - held at the Edgewater Casino in the Plaza of Nations. Sleeps, the show's MC, got onstage TWO HOURS after the show was supposed to start. Which might explain why, halfway through his set, some dude in the back started having an epileptic seizure. For real.
He's doing his bit, then someone yells out "Call 911!" from the audience. Sleeps thinks someone's trying to heckle him ("Call 911? I ain't dyin up here, bitch!") before the lights come on and everyone can see the dude doing the funky chicken in his seat.

Me, the girl, Habib
Originally uploaded by smoove_J.


Anyways, the show goes on, but there were some people who weren't quite in a laughing mood afterwards.
"Alex Ortiz" comes on, and starts killin. He's rockin, he's rolling, he's funnier than Miceail could ever hope to be.
He turns it over to "Deon Coles," who kills, too. "Man, shit is craaaazy out there." Lol... you'd have to see his show.
Then comes "Honest John", who just was not that funny, no matter what he said. Someone should have called 911 he was so bad. Maybe it was just an off-night, but I still have this image of this balding, hippie-looking white dude doing pelvic thrusts and talking black. It was like he was Miceail, only 60. I shudder.
My sis and her friends left halfway through his set, to ring in the new year at a friend's house. Me and Christa suffered through the rest of the set, then walked over to the after-party at a club next to the casino.
A couple drinks later (Hypnotiq and ginger is REALLY good), we saw midnight come and go, then got back into a cab to head back to Glowbal, where Anya and Co. were meeting us.
Outside, we ran into Meghan, a friend of one of our friends from Kelowna. We went in for drinks, started slamming martinis (Vanilla vodka, alize and pineapple juice is REALLY good). We're hanging with the owner and manager, then Anya's crew rolls in, and we have some more.
It's about 2 a.m., and Christa gets tired (lightweight!) and heads back to the hotel. I get her a cab, then head back to Glowbal. We bounce from the restaurant, and hit "Bar None". Peter, the restaurant owner (cradling a bottle of Dom all night long) gets us past the line, past the ugly-ass bouncers wearing "Mr. Niceguy" nametags, and in for free (cover was $50).
The night got a little blurry from there, as it did for many, like my sister, who, at one point, was dancing by herself in a corner, leaning on the wall with her head. Classic.
More drinks, more dancing, more fun.
We bounced around 4, and I walked back to the hotel through a racous downtown, hailed Meghan and her friend a cab, went upstairs and passed out.

Jan. 1.
Woke up feeling cold, but no hangover, despite the amount of alcohol I consumed. Packed up, and went to brunch at "Nu", which was off the HOOK. I have to thank my sister's friend Suhail for introducing me to the finest restaurants in Vancouver...
Awkward moment of the holidays? When leaving the restaurant, one of SuhailÂ’s friends – who is gay – comes to say goodbye. I go to shake his hand, he gives me a hug instead. Then, as I go to say goodbye to his boyfriend – who I just met 40 mins before – he goes to shake my hand, and I give him a half handshake/homeboy hug/really awkward goodbye. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m an idiot right about now… lol
Anyways, we drove by the polar bear swim on the way back to pick up my truck, and there must have been close to 15,000 people down there. Next year, I'm doing it...

Me and Christa had dinner at my dad’s house on the way back – roast lamb and stuff – and then drove home to K-town. Holidays over.

All in all, despite a moment of insanity on New Years’ Eve, it was a great holiday. I’m never doing that much driving again, however. Next year, ya’ll can just bring your asses up here.

Until then, party like it's 2006

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Hook 'Em Horns!



I just want to say that I WAS RIGHT... My Horns came through and gored USC like they thought they were Duke or something... Vince Young ... Vince Young ... Vince Young ... I had to say it thrice, the boy was so nice. 200+ yards rushing, 260+ yards passing, three TDs, including the game-winner with 19 seconds left? A Heisman may be nice, but a Rose sure smells a lot sweeter...