J.J.'s Christmas Holidays (The Crib Notes Version)

Dangerous duo
Originally uploaded by smoove_J.

Dec. 24
And so it began... .
I rolled out of bed at the ungodly hour of 7 a.m., got dressed and packed all my ish into the car. The last time I saw that hour I was actually still drunk, and, ironically, it felt the same this day, even though I was stone cold sober. I got to work on getting up earlier.
Anyways, I was in such a rush, I left both my jackets and a pair of dress shoes I needed sitting beside the door. I remembered just as I was beginning the trek up the Connector. Good timing...

Picked up my sis in White Rock, managed to avoid having to decorate the Xmas tree (always a source of holiday stress in our family), hit the ferries for Victoria.

My moms picked us up, and a quick shower and change of shirt later, we were on our way to Christmas Eve dinner at the BENGAL LOUNGE in the Empress Hotel.
Never had butter chicken for holiday dinner before, but it was daaaaamned good. I felt quite colonial in the leather-rich lounge, complete with snobby waiters.

Went back to my mom's house afterwards, and exchanged some presents. I gave my uncle Chaz a book called "A Million Little Pieces", about a drug addict's road to recovery. I think he might have been a little offended, since he had his own demons he battled in his life, but once he reads it, I'm sure he'll see I wasn't being smart. For once.

Christmas Day, Dec. 25

Hit the ferry back to the mainland, leaving my moms, sis, and my uncle behind. Showed up at my dad's around 2 p.m. and promptly fell asleep.
Woke up, opened some presents, and got my FAVOURITE present. If you can believe it, they looked worse than those. Mine looked like denim booty shorts, and had a big banana stuck in the pocket. Nice. Real nice.

Anyways, I got stuffed on Xmas turkey, watched Star Wars: The Phantom Menace with my dad, a little bit of The Iron Chef, then went to sleep.

Dec. 26.
Stayed away from boxing day sales, hung out with dad and mary. Stuffed myself on Xmas turkey Part II, fell asleep after watching the Iron Chef.

Dec. 27
Went to visit Betty, who is like my adopted grandma. Her husband, Harry, passed away earlier this year, and since then, her two daughters - Joy and Gaye - alternate five-week visits with her, to make sure she's not alone. They both drive up from down in California and New Mexico with their husbands. I hope I'm that unselfish when I put my parents in a home. Err, ahhh, I mean, when my parents are that old. (Don't worry pops... lol)

Gaye, me, betty
Originally uploaded by smoove_J.

Dec. 28
Hopped the ferry BACK to Victoria to hang out with my sis. Her friend Claudia arrived from L.A., and we all hung out. Had dinner at my moms, just chilled out. Anya and Claudia went to a movie, I went and saw my boy, "Jumbo" and his wife, Annie, and their two kids. I got the Imani, who's 5, a Brats doll, complete with a music CD - which will be played over and over and over and over and .... You get the picture. I got Max, 2, this little Fisher-Price martial arts set, including noise-making numchucks and a throwing star.
I thought I was being all clever by playing the Devils Advocate and getting these annoying noise-making presents. But it backfired, as I spent the next hour being beat on my foam numchucks and a plush lightsaber (also noise-making) that I got for Jeremy. I still have bruises....

Dec. 29
Went out to breakfast at my favourite restaurant in the world,"John's Place", where we saw my man Rodney. He and a bunch of other staff have been there since almost the beginning, and it's hard to believe that its going on 17 years that I've been going there. Wow.
Anyways, I did some boxing day shopping with Claudia while Anya took care of some biz. Got my sis a shirt that said "Sarcasm is one of the services I provide." I think she liked it. I couldn't tell, though. She's too damned sarcastic... lol
Went out to dinner at "Pagliacci's", aka my second favourite restaurant in the world, with my sis and Claudia. We got deep. Philosophical. And it had nothing to do with the alcohol we were drinking...
Met up with Lori, my sister's longtime friend, and her friend, Craig, afterwards. We chilled at his townhouse on Dallas road - he showed me pics of him running with the bulls in Pamplona (me new goal in life) on a computer that looked like something out of the movie Operation: Swordfish... It was tight.
Done drinking there, we hit the Boom Boom room, aka Club Med, the club my sis used to run game at back in the day. Or, at least she said she did. Danced, acted a fool, and left.

Went to this ghetto club that used to be called Merlin's, the first club I ever went to in my life. (I was 15, and used the ID of Lori's ex-husband, which identified my as a 28-year-old U.S. Marine... I guess black people all do look alike.)
Drank more, saw a boobie contest... had to drink a whole LOT more after that, then bounced for some post-bar pizza.

Cabbed it home, with my sis accusing the driver of trying to cheat us (We're not tourists, you know, Ahmed. Take the short way.")

Passed out. Woke up the next day when my mom's dog, Raven, French-kissed me. Yeeech.

Dec. 30
Took the ferry back to Vancouver (I was on a first-name basis with the employees by now) while my sis, Claudia and mom flew harbor to harbor. Pulled into White Rock a half-hour late for lunch, where we were meeting my aunt devra, uncle ian, cousin Elise and her daughter Genevieve. Had a good lunch, got some pornographic playing cards from my aunt and uncle for Chanukah, then went back to my dad's house for a short visit.
Then I packed up my ish again, and headed to the airport to pick up Christa, aka "The Girl." Checked in at the Sandman, left our stuff in our closet-sized room, and went downtown for dinner at the Tropica asian restaurant on Robson.
It was my girlfriend's first exposure to my family. It was more like tossing her to the wolves... my family has a very, ummm, let's say "boisterous" personality, especially when a bunch of us get together. But dinner went fine, and everyone had a good time. I played high-roller by picking up the check, which I breathed a sigh of relief afterwards, seeing as it was under $200 for 11 people. I think my mom thought I was trying to show off for my girl, but I was just in a spending mood. Boxing week will do that to ya.


That night, me and The Girl hit up "Club 686", where my boy "Dounia" was promoting his club night. The music was off the hizzle, and we ran into the Lenahan brothers, Colin and Adrian. Good times, good times.

Dec. 31

Me n the girl at Glowbal
Originally uploaded by smoove_J.

Did some boxing day shopping, spent too much money, then got ready for the evening...

Went to dinner at "Glowbal"in Yaletown. This place was off the HOOK. It's now my third-favourite restaurant in the world... Very cool. Great food. Really expensive. My suga mommy bought dinner... thanks Christa!

My sister on her way to getting faded .... or crazy ... or both
Originally uploaded by smoove_J.

My favourite line of the holidays came as we left the restaurant for Dounia’s comedy showÂ… Suhail tells the cabbie “If you meet us here at 11:30, I’ll make it worth your while. Err, uhhh, (blushing), I mean, ummm, monetarily. You know…” Ahh, it was classic.

Me n Suhail
Originally uploaded by smoove_J.

So we hit up Deebo’s show - held at the Edgewater Casino in the Plaza of Nations. Sleeps, the show's MC, got onstage TWO HOURS after the show was supposed to start. Which might explain why, halfway through his set, some dude in the back started having an epileptic seizure. For real.
He's doing his bit, then someone yells out "Call 911!" from the audience. Sleeps thinks someone's trying to heckle him ("Call 911? I ain't dyin up here, bitch!") before the lights come on and everyone can see the dude doing the funky chicken in his seat.

Me, the girl, Habib
Originally uploaded by smoove_J.

Anyways, the show goes on, but there were some people who weren't quite in a laughing mood afterwards.
"Alex Ortiz" comes on, and starts killin. He's rockin, he's rolling, he's funnier than Miceail could ever hope to be.
He turns it over to "Deon Coles," who kills, too. "Man, shit is craaaazy out there." Lol... you'd have to see his show.
Then comes "Honest John", who just was not that funny, no matter what he said. Someone should have called 911 he was so bad. Maybe it was just an off-night, but I still have this image of this balding, hippie-looking white dude doing pelvic thrusts and talking black. It was like he was Miceail, only 60. I shudder.
My sis and her friends left halfway through his set, to ring in the new year at a friend's house. Me and Christa suffered through the rest of the set, then walked over to the after-party at a club next to the casino.
A couple drinks later (Hypnotiq and ginger is REALLY good), we saw midnight come and go, then got back into a cab to head back to Glowbal, where Anya and Co. were meeting us.
Outside, we ran into Meghan, a friend of one of our friends from Kelowna. We went in for drinks, started slamming martinis (Vanilla vodka, alize and pineapple juice is REALLY good). We're hanging with the owner and manager, then Anya's crew rolls in, and we have some more.
It's about 2 a.m., and Christa gets tired (lightweight!) and heads back to the hotel. I get her a cab, then head back to Glowbal. We bounce from the restaurant, and hit "Bar None". Peter, the restaurant owner (cradling a bottle of Dom all night long) gets us past the line, past the ugly-ass bouncers wearing "Mr. Niceguy" nametags, and in for free (cover was $50).
The night got a little blurry from there, as it did for many, like my sister, who, at one point, was dancing by herself in a corner, leaning on the wall with her head. Classic.
More drinks, more dancing, more fun.
We bounced around 4, and I walked back to the hotel through a racous downtown, hailed Meghan and her friend a cab, went upstairs and passed out.

Jan. 1.
Woke up feeling cold, but no hangover, despite the amount of alcohol I consumed. Packed up, and went to brunch at "Nu", which was off the HOOK. I have to thank my sister's friend Suhail for introducing me to the finest restaurants in Vancouver...
Awkward moment of the holidays? When leaving the restaurant, one of SuhailÂ’s friends – who is gay – comes to say goodbye. I go to shake his hand, he gives me a hug instead. Then, as I go to say goodbye to his boyfriend – who I just met 40 mins before – he goes to shake my hand, and I give him a half handshake/homeboy hug/really awkward goodbye. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m an idiot right about now… lol
Anyways, we drove by the polar bear swim on the way back to pick up my truck, and there must have been close to 15,000 people down there. Next year, I'm doing it...

Me and Christa had dinner at my dad’s house on the way back – roast lamb and stuff – and then drove home to K-town. Holidays over.

All in all, despite a moment of insanity on New Years’ Eve, it was a great holiday. I’m never doing that much driving again, however. Next year, ya’ll can just bring your asses up here.

Until then, party like it's 2006