Today...

... I had to do one of the hardest things I've ever done: walk away from someone I truly cared for.
Why? Well, it's a long and complicated saga - it always is. Bottom line is, it was something I didn't want to do, but I had to.
I've chosen to be miserable now as a step towards long-term happiness. And misery it most definitely is.

When I turned my back and walked out of Christa's life this afternoon, I felt my guts drop through my soles. Every step I took on them sent a searing jolt of pain though my stomach. I've told many a friend to "stay strong" in similar situations, but it was only today that I was reminded of just how hard it is to do. I wanted nothing more to turn around and hold her, but I knew I couldn't. I had a year to realize that the intimacy that was missing would never be there.

Now, that's not to say Christa didn't have feelings for me. She said there were many times when she nearly said those three little words that mean so much: "JJ, I'm pregnant." No, just kidding. Hey - at least still have a sense of humour. I hope it keeps me company for the next few months...

There were times she said she thought about saying the "L" word, but she kept it to herself, for whatever reason. I think that's a symptom of why we broke up. She may have these feelings, but they are rarely manifested in a way that I would see. I want someone who isn't afraid to put their heart out there. When we broke up the first time, she wasn't very affectionate. That changed over the last year, but she still held back. She'd turn her back on me when we were lying down because "it wasn't comfortable," but I'd always stroke it until she (or usually me) fell asleep. I think that kind of sums our relationship up right there.

She asked me if I was afraid of falling in love. I could have been... I went down that L road before and it ended rather badly. But I think I'm probably more scared of being lonely.. which is why this decision was so hard. But it's something, like I said before, that needed to be done.

Don't worry... this wasn't another pitiful request for advice or sympathy... this is all about self-therapy. I think I might have a little more self-therapy in a bottle in my freezer right now, too...

kidding...